Monday, 6 July 2015

The Forty-Three Thoughts I had while watching A Deadly Adoption (2015)



The few months preceding the TV debut of this Lifetime movie were filled with doubt that it even existed, and the nature the film would take if indeed it did. Ferrell and Wiig released several statements claiming the movie was a hoax, and that it would never be made, and then admitted that it would and so on and so forth. This invariably piqued my interest, which says nothing of the films interesting plot or even of the star quality of the films leading roles. It does, however, tell you everything of my gullibility to publicity stunts. Even when I know something is a publicity stunt, I still burn to see it and satisfy the curiosity that was brought about by fake campaigns and righteously indignant actors who feel so betrayed that their movies were leaked ahead of time (ahem, looking at you Rogen and Franco). Of course, what is genuinely interesting (or is it?) about this film is that it’s a Lifetime movie. You know? The type of film that claims to be inspired by true events and that they show on channels like 5* at 2am, and particularly at Christmas, when they know we’re all trapped by our inability to cope with cold weather and darkening skies. It’s not just any Lifetime movie though. It’s a satire Lifetime movie. A spoof with two comedy veterans no less. Which can only mean one thing, obviously – it will either be brilliant, or even worse than the genre it is spoofing.

No time like the present to find out.

Okay, so the film is two minutes in and I already know that Will Ferrell is an alcoholic, a past-his-prime writer, and responsible for his wife’s miscarriage. Oh how I love a film with no subtext.

Should I find this flashback showing the tragic loss of their unborn child so funny? I feel like a bad human right now. Seriously though, I can’t stop laughing. I can feel the bad karma points just wracking up. *Its like those slot machines in casinos that make that incessant beep-beep sound when you've won and dispense coins, except in my case, its bad karma and I have hit the jackpot* 

So the pregnant chick just ripped up a picture of Wiig and Ferrell. CRAZY BITCH ALERT. (…no shit Rachel, it’s called A Deadly Adoption…)

Why is Will Ferrell’s hair so blonde? He looks like a 50 year GP from a Southern Belle TV programme.

So Ferrell can’t go on a book tour because last time he partied and blacked out and this is really bad. Hmmm, maybe I should reconsider how I’ve spent my life so far…?

They’re having a moment whilst discussing sunblock? Ugh, no wonder I haven’t found a boyfriend! I’ve been missing all of the deep-rooted conversational topics. *Note to self: talk about sunblock and insect repellent the next time you see a really hot guy and you will be married within six months* I’m going to call it the Will Ferrell guarantee.

Ewww, according to this guy that Wiig should clearly be with, men just can’t get enough of those six-month pregnant women. Really? I mean I know people have weird fetishes, but how could that be a turn on?

Oh she’s having a secret phone conversation. Yet more evidence that SHE IS A BADDY.

Should she really be drinking coffee when she’s pregnant? Doesn’t that stunt the babies growth? (In all seriousness, I wonder how much coffee my mam drank when she was pregnant with me.)

Well clearly crazy-pregnant-girl is creepily watching that little girl sleep because she’s not really pregnant and she wants her own kid. Though frankly she has taken a very unnecessary and confusing course of action in pursuit of this goal. Moron.

Of course crazy-pregnant-girl has an extensively tattooed boyfriend wearing a wife beater with greasy hair, because there wasn’t enough Lifetime-movie clich├ęs in this Lifetime movie as it is.

No wonder housewives love these films, it’s hilarious-yet-addictive predictability galore.

The pregnant chick (what the hell is her name?!) is telling the little girl that she can’t trust men. Steady on, you don’t wanna ruin her teenage years just yet, she's only six years old. She's got plenty of time to have her romantic illusions shattered by the male species' inability to live up to the expectations forced on us by films.

DUDE! Don’t tell her you don’t love your wife when you’re going to adopt her non-existent baby. That should be like the first rule in the When Adopting a Baby Handbook – do these fictional fathers know nothing?! (I’m looking at you Jason Bateman from Juno).

Okay on second thought, don’t trust the pregnant chick. She’s smiling and being cryptic. I hate people who smile too much. Gives me the creeps. People who smile too much almost always have an agenda.

Dun-dun-dun. She’s wearing a fake bump and the kid has seen. That kid is totally getting murdered now. P.S. I was right about that agenda. Go me.

Okay, so now we’ve got a flashback showing that Will Ferrell and the pregnant chick had a drunken one night stand ages ago and we’re expected to believe that he just forgot this? SERIOUSLY. This is actually hilarious. You don’t forget the face of the person you recently slept with; I don’t care how drunk you are.

So the child has been kidnapped and the pregnant chick is using a false name. This is all happening way too fast, I’m so confused. I am clearly an idiot.

God, I wish Ferrell would dye his god-damn hair and I wish Kristen Wiig would stop talking about ORGANIC FOOD. UGH. (Okay, so she hasn’t discussed organic food for a while now, but I can’t stop thinking about it, she’s so stupid JUST STOP IT KRISTEN)

So this dude who’s in love with Wiig has just described the getaway vehicle as “old, not too old though”. Good going there, you’re being SUPER helpful. They’re totally going to find the kid now.

Why does putting clip-in blonde and purple streaks suddenly make the pregnant-but-not-actually-pregnant chick a badass? My childhood experiences tell me this is most definitely not the case – a purple streak does not a badass make. My words of wisdom for the day.

Don’t follow the bad guy by yourself dude-who-should-be-with-Wiig, you will get murdered and Kristen Wiig will cry because you’re a dumbass

He just got punched and the screen went black I TOLD HIM NOT TO DO IT WHY DON’T CHARACTERS EVER LISTEN

I think I should just write a film where people make only logical choices that way they won’t get shot needlessly

Gotta love a film with a slow-motion shot of litter rolling softly through the wind. How American Beauty of them…

Kristen Wiig you are a comedy BADASS kick this crazy bitch in the face. Screw the gun, you should just slay her with your vicious, vicious words

Finally, a bitch fight

Oh, I genuinely thought Wiig would win that one. A for effort I guess

Will, your wife is in the car being poisoned get off your ass and SAVE HER

OH-MY-GOD he’s face after being shot, that was my second favourite part of this movie. It’s the expression one would wear when a friend tells them they look a little fat, not the expression you would associate with agonising pain. I’m so happy right now.

Will Ferrell doing a slow-motion dive for a gun was never gonna end well was it? He just doesn’t have the right build. Not to mention he didn’t jump with his legs. I know all the moves, I should just be a professional stunt coordinator and maybe his stunt double.

Why are the people in this film getting shot and handling there fatal wounds so well? Like seriously, this dude was shot in the stomach and all he can muster is a feeble “Ow”?! You're literally going to die, why can't you have an existential crisis or something?!

Note to self: readjust expectations and stop being uptight. Its a Lifetime movie. *practices calm breathing* (I am legitimately practicing calm breathing as I watch/write)

Will Ferrell is having a slow-motion superman moment and I am getting so god damn sick of all of this slow-freaking-motion. Stop. It. 

I mean I should probably preface this entire thing by acknowledging that I know it’s a shoddy lifetime movie, but seriously, why are Ferrell and Wiig being so pathetic? Grow some balls guys and maybe tell a joke or something. I don’t know, I’m just spit balling right now…

Ferrell has walked into the middle of the road to stop the crazy bitch from driving away. I hope he ends this whole thing by holding out his arm and shouting NONE SHALL PASS. That would be such a beautiful moment

Why is the little girl clutching her stomach like that? She doesn’t look like she is in need of her diabetes medicine, she just looks constipated.

Oh would someone just shoot the crazy bitch already, maybe then the slow-motion will end.

Nope. Even when she gets shot we still get slow-motion. Writing the words “slow” and “motion” is starting to fry my brain. I am losing the will to live.

At least Wiig finally grew some lady balls

Oh my god, they’re seriously going to end this with a cheesy dance party? I literally want to kill myself and yet I can’t stop smiling. I’m ashamed of myself right now.

It’s finally over. I feel so overwhelmed.

Meryl Streep’s line from Doubt keeps running through my mind. Meryl feels the feels that I feel which is kind of ironic because that’s the only film of Meryl’s that I was never too keen on.

So its official, A Deadly Adoption might be the best worst thing I have ever seen. Like Meryl said – “I have such doubts”. One thing I can say of this film is that it made me realise a lot of things about myself as a person - specifically that I should really try to avoid these types of films at all costs. Spoof or not. Mainly because they impair my ability to write without an exclamation mark every other sentence, which is obviously the end of the world.