Tuesday, 24 February 2015

The Fifty Thoughts I had while watching Fifty Shades of Grey...

So yeah, I’m writing a post on Fifty Shades of Grey. Didn’t think this day would ever come, but like any film lover I can’t give either my stamp of approval or my…erm…my stamp of disapproval(?) if I haven’t seen the film, and this has garnered so much press that my curiosity was invariably piqued. I’m sorry, what can I say? Although to be honest I don’t feel like I need to make excuses because a. I think EVERYBODY secretly wants to see this film and, b. you’re reading this right now, which must mean that your curiosity has been piqued as well…

Without further ado then, my Fifty thoughts while watching Fifty Shades of Grey:
She looks way older than 21. Ewww, I’m 21. That’s like me being propositioned by a sex-crazed millionaire. I still act like a kid. Christian Grey (CG from now on because shorthand is just so much easier. Plus I like the sound of CG. It’s cute) would hate me.

Pffftttt, who actually falls face first into a room like that? Moron.

CG gives money to Africa? I’m going to Africa! We’re both philanthropic. Go us.

As if she just asked if he was gay. Boundaries Anastasia.

As if she’s all hot and bothered after that way-too-deep and bizarre two minute conversation. I mean he’s handsome and all, but still. Keep it together woman.

Okay Rachel, I feel like you’re being too judgemental. Give it a proper go.

As if Kate just nicked her sandwich. If one of my housemates pulled a move like that I would literally be like “Yo bitch, you best be giving me that sandwich back!”. I’m not even kidding. Like Joey from friends, I do NOT share food.

Oh Ana is holding a Grey Corporate pencil to her mouth. Non-subtle phallic imagery there. Lol. (I hate that I just used "lol" in a post but these are the unfiltered, unedited thoughts I had while watching the film and, unfortunately, I did say "lol" out loud)

Ewww, why does Ana’s friend have such a horrible goatee? Seriosuly dude, it ain’t a good look. It never was and it never will be. LOSE THE GOATEE.

Wow, Jennifer Ehle went from playing Elizabeth Bennett to Anastasia’s mother. Bet she never thought she’d be taking roles like this one back in the heyday. And she used to date Colin Firth. I wonder if he’s seen this film? Probably not… Be hilarious if he had though.

Awwwhh, her mother isn’t going to her graduation? That’s actually super sad. I would hate it if my ma’ couldn’t go to my graduation. Especially if the reason was because her boyfriend had broken his foot! I’d be all like “Woman you’d best be at my graduation!”

I wonder how long CG was waiting in that aisle?

He’s got a super cute smile. Like seriously, I would not peg the owner of that smile as a creepy, BDSM-loving weirdo.

This film has no fluidity. They’re just jumping from one interaction to the next becoming more infatuated with each other for no discernible reason. This is frustrating. Also, why was there just an excessively long shot of a coffee cup? Is there some subliminal messaging in that? Does the director want us to drink more coffee? Shit, writing the word "coffee" has made me crave it. Curse my susceptibility!

Her mother is on husband number four and she calls her an ‘incurable romantic’? Hmmmm, more like PLAYYAAAA.

Oh god, that whole rescue-her-from-the-oncoming-bike-of-doom, cheek-nuzzle moment was not very well executed. Why did they have to be so cheesy?

So she’s 21 and she can’t apply her own makeup? Come on girl, they have freakin’ tutorials on YouTube for that kind of thing now. Get your shit together.

Oh my god, I wish somebody would buy me a first edition book. Jammy get!

Okay her drunken impression of him is actually really funny. I’m liking this just a little bit. Stay with it, for the love of god!

Ewww, Jose. You’re supposed to be her friend and instead you’re hitting on her while she’s drunk. Why do guys do that kind of shit? Like seriously, boundaries dude.

Okay, first CG topless scene didn’t disappoint. And brazenly taking a bite of her toast like that? Christian you flirt you.

Don’t kiss her now. She’s just woken up after a night of alcohol and throwing up. Her breath is probably rank!

Oh my god, I hate to say it but Jamie Dornan isn’t that good. How could he be so good in The Fall and so bad in this? I don’t get it.

Oh lol, he said ‘Laters baby’. CG just made a funny. Well done CG, well done.

Man, I wish I knew how to fly a helicopter. Though my fear of heights may render that a useless talent…

Well that “Red Room of Pain” is seriously creepy. If I saw that I would turn on the spot and start running as fast as I possibly could, all while screaming ‘MURDERER!!” at the top of my lungs.

You’ll punish her if she doesn’t “please” you?! Oh sorry, I didn’t realise we’d taken a time machine back to the 18th-effing-century.

God, sex scenes must be SO AWKWARD to film.

Why do films always depict ‘losing the v-card’ as a super sensual moment?!

Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan have zero sexual chemistry. 

How is she being so cavalier about meeting the mother of the guy she’s just lost her virginity to? And after the mother nearly walked in on them as well? This girl is weird. Very, very weird.

He bought her a computer? Jesus, that’s a bit excessive isn’t it?

Hang on, its just occurred to me that she’s waited 21 years for the “right guy” to lose her virginity to and she’s known CG little more than a week before she’s hopping into bed with him. I mean it was still her choice and everything, but where’s the sense in that?

Why is she wearing pigtails? What is she, 12?! No adult should EVER wear pigtails unless that adult is going as red riding hood for Halloween.

Why is that meeting room so dark? Like seriously, they can’t even see each other. In fact, why does the world in general have such an aversion to natural lighting? I live for natural lighting!

Oh look at Ana getting all territorial and sassy with those girls. For some reason its prompted Shania Twain’s “Man I Feel Like a Woman” to play on a loop in my head. Good song.

Dakota Johnson is way too skinny. I can see her ribs. She looks like one of those poor little rescue dogs on an RSPCA advert. EAT WOMAN!

I wonder if Jamie Dornan already knew how to plait hair or if he had to acquire the skill for this role?

I’m loving the deliberately awful dance moves Anastasia is pulling out. She’s actually quite funny. I bet that’s what I look like on the dance floor.

Oooohhh, Rita Ora’s big cameo! Liking the little bob she’s got going on.

Oh so she was only in it for 10 seconds. Okay. So the hype was a whole load of hoo-har-nonsense then. Thanks, filmmakers, for once again getting people's hopes up for nothing. 

Was Anastasia asleep when CG was confessing about his messed up childhood and crack-head mother? Because she woke up like straight afterwards with a smile on her face which seems a little insensitive if you ask me.

Oh. Em. Gee. Her stepdad is Pacey’s brother from Dawson’s Creek! He’s aged well. How old is he anyway? *quick google search*. He’s 46? Christ I feel old.

Anastasia just said fuck in front of her mother. My god, if I ever said fuck in front of my mother I think I would be ostracised.

Oooohhh, so he just called her his girlfriend. Judging from the chorus of ‘awwwhhhss’ in the audience, I’m thinking that’s a big step. Well done you perverted little deviant you.

Oh my god, they’re doing nosedives and loop-de-loops in that gliding airplane thingy and she’s just laughing away. I mean it’s a nice romantic gesture and all but I’d be more likely to hurl if anything.

Why are they playing operatic church music during a scene where she is handcuffed to the bed and is being whipped? There is something so purposefully distasteful about that. I mean I know the whole thing is distasteful, but church music? Really? Are they trying to offend that poor little Pope and his merry band of Nuns?

Yeah, we get it CG, you like to play the piano in the dark because you’re oh-so-dark and misunderstood. NEW IMAGE PLEASE!

So she’s finally came to her senses then. Knew it had to happen eventually.

Oh so it’s over? Erm…okay. Rather abrupt.